Part 1
I'm Pip, and I’m nobody. I live in the kingdom of Azaria, and though I get people to address postcards to the castle, I actually live in an old shack slightly off to the side and I sweep horse poo off the roads that the royals walk on up to the castle gates. That pretty much sums me up. I started nowhere (my Dad claims that he is from a line of surfs who actually swept inside the castle, but no-one believes him), and I’ll likely finish up nowhere. But hey, lets not get down on ourselves, I always keep positive, and I know I’ll be happy in the end.
The current ruler is King Doúf, with his Queen Davette, and they run the kingdom reasonably competently, and fairly. But there is a problem; the king is dying of asbestos poisoning (the insurance companies wont give him a thing!), and he only has one daughter, no heir. And when I say daughter, I mean daughter! Princess Sally is the most beautiful, gorgeous, lovely and adorable being on this earth, even without the rule of the nation going to whoever marries her. Oh, I wish it were me. Not like that will ever happen, not with Sir Barry (one of the King’s most loyal –and good looking- knights) moving in for the steal. The king doesn’t really pay attention to what’s going on, most things go straight over his head, but the Queen, she is a crafty one. She’d love a marriage between her daughter and Sir Baz.
I don’t know a lot about Sally… I wish I did… Sigh…
Back to sweeping…
OW! I just smashed my head on the doorframe; why do I always do that?
Part 2
Wow! So today right, I was doing my sweeping, trying to shift a particularly sticky clump of a rampant stallion’s business and guess who came past!?! None other than The Princess herself, on a white pony, with Sir Barry in tow on his charcoal warhorse. They were chatting and laughing, and as I stopped work to watch them walk by it seemed like they may actually have been happy. But, oh dear, Sir Baz looked down, and saw me gazing. He told Sally to go on, and turned to me; all pretence of joy and kindness gone. He snarled, and asked what I thought I was doing, so I mumbled something to do with watching clouds, and without even stepping off his horse, he used the flat of his sword to knock me onto my back. He laughed as his horse soiled my best clothes (well, they are my only clothes), and turned to catch up to the Princess, commenting on worthless peasants. She laughed too (in an offhand sort of way), but it was all worth it! I think I may have met eyes with her as she rode off, and I tried to stand up; I actually made eye contact with her!!!
I was still smiling as I walked off, even as I tripped over several times, and got to know the sidewalk a little better than I had before.
I’ve decided Barry isnt as nice as he seemed. Surely Princess Sally couldn’t actually like him??
Part 3
In the royal chambers:
“Are you for real mum?”, Sally questions as she walksed in, “You actually want me to live with this guy?”
“You will do whatever we tell you”, comes the Queen’s stern reply, “that is you’re duty as a princess, isnt it Doofy?”
“-mmhm… huh?”, the king looks up from his comic.
“Our daughter needs to marry Sir Barry for the good of the kingdom, please tell her that.”
“Yes dear; whatever you say”; he returns to superman.
Queen Davette remarks as she turns her glare back to Sally, “see? It is you’re responsibility”
“But far out, where is the line!? He is un ugly twerp! I’m totally sick of you and your royal behinds, with the rules and the traditions and everything! Sure, I like being rich and all, but its not worth it to have to put up with a freak like Barry”
“Do not speak of him such”, Davette retorts as she rises to her feet, “he is a good man, and will do our kingdom proud, as will you in marrying him!”
Sally makes an unsubtitlable noise as she gets up and storms out, reflecting her anger and frustration. She retires to her apartment, still fuming over her situation, and thinks of ways that she can rebel. Surely her own indepence is her’s for the taking…
Part 4
Today started out, much as any day does, with me having my gruel for brekky, losing my broom again, and heading off to work. As I swept, and watched the high up people go past, I thought of Sally, and wondered what she was thinking about. Just after noon, presumably on their way to lunch, Sally and Bazza rode toward the spot I was cleaning. Remembering what happened yesterday, I quickly jumped off the side of the road to hide in a ditch. Well, I thought it was a ditch. There isnt that much difference between a ditch and a sewer anyway, is there? I heard them as they approached. Sir Barry must have had his king-to-be face on, because he was calm and soothing, but Sally was noticably upset. She seemed incontent with the royal life, and the pressure her parents were putting on her. As the got nearer, she started to raise her voice, and then she sent Barry off, telling him she wouldn’t care if she never saw him again. He politely went on, stating that he would still expect to see her for lunch. She was so close. I could smell her; I could almost have reached out and touched the leg of her horse. But I was too scared, too shy; I couldn’t move! But then, as I heard sobbing, and saw the tears hit the cobblstones, I had to make my move. I got up, and went to her. At first she didn’t even see me, but then she wrinkled her nose, and looking for the source of the stench, her eyes fell on me. Me, Pip! She looked at me! I quietly murmured an “are you ok?”. She seemed shocked that the bundle of rags could talk, but getting over her surprise she dried her eyes and readied herself to move off. I couldn’t let this opportunity go!
“Wait!”, I cried as she started out, “I need to say something to you, Princess”
She seemed even more shocked, but as she didn’t gallop off there and then, I followed up with a simple “I love you!”. Pathetic, really, but what else could I say? She started, then began to move again, before a look came over her face. I don’t know what it was, but I don’t care, because then she spoke, to me! A simple sentence “Meet me here after dark.” And off she rode.
YES! I’m in! I will show the world that I can achieve something!! If only Dad hadnt been mauled by the GFC beast years ago, I could tell him about the day that the Princess spoke to me!
So, I triumphantly replied to the back of her horse as she moved out of hearing distance: “My name is Pip!”. I truly am a ladies man.
Part 5
“I’ve had enough”, Princess Sally spat, as she climbed out her window, “I can have whatever fun I want, even if it is with this peasant”
~
What a night! I went back after dark, to meet the Princess, after scrubbing myself spotless for hours, in an attempt to smell like something other than an equine behind. She was there! Standing alone, in the moonlight, in an excellent disguise; I hardly recognised her. As I went up to her, she gave me a funny look, and walked away. Ok, so maybe that wasn’t a disguise and it wasn’t actually her. So, I stood, and I waited. Surely she wouldn’t stand me up, surely her love for me was as undying as my love for her! And sure enough, she came, asking “so what are we going to do?”, as she looked distastefully (or was is appovingly?) at what I was wearing. I took her to all the greatest places of the city; the cheapest bar I know, my favourite bridge to sleep under when my shak is blown down and the spot on the roadside where I once found half a silver soveriegn. I’m sure she enjoyed herself, she was always looking around, seeing the sights, and drinking in the atmosphere that is the lower city. She actually started to relax a bit, she even laughed at one point, a real, true laugh! My head hurt after that particularly uncoordinated stumble, but it was worth it to hear her laugh. When we had finished, and ended up at the spot where we started, she said thankyou, and even said that she thought my personality was cute. Cute!
I asked her if she had told her parents and Sir Barry of our new relationship, and at first I thought she was going to both laugh and yell at me at once, but then the look came over her face again, almost as though she had conceived a cunning plan, and she said “we’ll see where this goes”.
Good enough for me.
Part 6
In the royal chambers:
“I truly love him mum, he is the one for me”, pleads Princess Sally.
“He is a peasant!”
“It doesn’t matter, I will never be happy if I can’t be with him, especially not if you land me with Sir Barry. Compared to Pup [sic], Baz is an absolute brute. Pop is a gentleman, and very respected in his society. You should be happy for my decision, plus, there is nothing you can do about it!”
“GO TO YOUR ROOM!!!”
The King and Queen are left alone. The king fiddles with his ipod touch, as his wife pulls a sour face. “we must do something!”, she says.
“Yep, sure”, he mutters.
“Are you even listening to me?” She takes the ipod off him, looks at it, and demands: “what is this?!?”
“Umm… its angry birds… its really quite enjoyable, and im sure it’s making me think, and learn…?”
“You are useless!” she cries, “I will have to figure this out myself, as usual”
~
Today Princess Sally came to find me in our usual place. She had a large hood on, and spoke conspiratorily to me, about how much she truly loved me, and how she wanted to marry me. I could hardly put in a word before she had left, due to the approach of Sir Barry. Generally he would simply ignore me, but this morning, he gave me a particularly nasty glare, before continuing in his search for his bride to be. Or should I say my bride to be! She truly loves me! He only wants to be king, but I know her well, and love her for who she is.
Part 7
In a quiet chamber, somewhere in the palace:
“We have a situation. She has never wanted to be tied down to a man, least of all you, and now she has come up with some scheme involving a peasant, a dirty underling!”
“But what can I do, she hates me!”
“You and I both want you to be the next king; King Barry! But we need to do something to get rid of this surf.”
“I could go through and kill him, what is the scum’s name?”
“His name is something like Plop, but I don’t know that killing him is the solution…”
“Its permanent enough!”
“Yes, but she will find something else, even if it is just another rat. How can we deal with the bigger picture?”
“I don’t know! I can’t see how I can make her love me, what am I supposed to do, Davette?”
“I have an idea…”
~
Poop! She called me Poop! That’s ok I suppose, a nice pet name. Its all coming along, I’ve been making wedding plans, and thought through some policies I’m going to set in place when I’m King. I think the castle could do with some changes, a bit of paint here, some stonework there, and some new widescreen TVs. And don’t forget the surround sound! I never thought it would work out so well for a guy like me. Maybe I’m not so woeful after all.
Part 8
I, Pip, have had enough of this secrecy! I think our relationship should be out in the open, and I don’t see why I shouldn’t be allowed to walk through the castle halls with my head held high! I will soon own them anyway.
So, today, I marched right up to the gates, and demanded entry; as the future King. The guards laughed openly at my face, but when they realised I wasn’t going anywhere, they gave eachother glances, and let me through. I went straight up the steps, and through the massive palace doors, ready to take on anyone in my way… And stopped. I was stunned. It was all so big, and I didn’t know where to go, or what to do. The ceiling was almost higher than I could see, and everything was so richly furnished. What to do now? Luckily I was saved from my predicament by the appearance of Queen Davette, and her daughter, the love of my life. The Queen loooked down at me haughtily, and remarked “what is that disgusting lowlife doing skulking in the entrance chamber to the servant’s quarters?”
“This disgusting lowlife your Majesty”, I boldly replied, “Is soon to be your son. That’s right, I am Pip, future King of Azaria!”
She laughed. She laughed openly, in my face, and unashamedly. She then turned to Princess Sally, who did not look at me, and said “so that is what you would rather?” as she led Sally out the door and down the steps. “Come with me, we have an appointment somewhere down here, and you can forget your little dirtball.”
Understandably dejected, I followed at a distance, and watched as the Queen led the Princess straight into a trap! Sir Barry’s men grabbed her and tied her up, and he threw her over the back of his horse before riding off!
He has taken her to a distant fortress, a place well guarded and locked up, and she will not be able to escape! He will hold her untill she agrees to marry him. But I, Pip, will save her. I will go through whatever I must to resuce to love of my life, for surely she would do the same for me.
OW! I got too excited, tripped over my feet, and landed on a small dog. I need to stop doing that.
Part 9
After getting up, dusting myself off and checking that the dog was still alive (it moved when I kicked it) I decided to work out a way to rescue my dearest Sally. I couldn't just leave her there, in the hands of the evil Sir Barry. No I had to do something... right after getting an ice pack and a quick bite to eat.
Whilst eating that delicious muffin (double choc chip with a hint of horse manure... or maybe that taste came from my hands) I realised that I wouldn't be able to take on Barry by my own. No, I would have to form up a group and they can help me rescue my beautiful, soon to be wife. A group full of brave men, men who wouldn't be afraid to help me in my quest to save the lovely Sally.
I decided to start with some of my closer friends before trying anyone else. There were three of them that I knew would help me. Nick the beggar, Ethan the knight in training and Tim the dish cleaner at the pub.
I was so excited as I ran out of my shack that I tripped on my own feet, again, this time my face landing in the biggest, smelliest pile of horse dung that I've ever seen (and smelt)! But not even that would dampen my spirits as I stood up, wiped the manure off onto my grotty shirt and continued on my way towards Nick, the lowly, grubby beggar of the lower city. The problem was where I was to find him...
Part 10
I decided that I would start looking for Nick in the sewers; that was generally where he spent his nights. Unless he was out about the streets. And there was only one way to find him. By using my nose.
I spent the better part of three hours trying to locate the scent of Nick and then the next hour or so following the scent all around town. I went from the pub, to the royal palace gates, then to the well and finally I found him, sitting on top of a pile of manure. Just sitting there, not even aware of what he was sitting on.
"Nick." I said as I walked up to him and waved my hand in front of his open eyes, staring off into the distance.
Slowly the eyes started to focus on me and then he turned his head to look at me. His eyes started darting around, looking at my horse poo stained face and my brown matted hair before he turned his face back to looking at nothing.
"Nick, are you there? I need your help to rescue my dearly beloved." I said as I continued moving my hand in front of his face.
His headed snapped round and his eyes widened as he heard what I had said. He slowly got up and stared directly into my eyes as if trying to communicate to me without speaking. I had forgotten, Nick is a man of few words
"Nick, I need you to come with me to save the princess." Nick nodded his head and got up and followed me away into the night. Now I had to find Ethan, the soon to be knight.
Part 11
Nick and I traversed the streets, searching for any sign of Ethan the mighty warrior, Nick following me so silently that I had to keep looking back to check that he was there. It was early morning so he would be training out in the corn fields.
Nick and I could hear him before we could see him. The loud screaming noises were unmistakably Ethan's as he trained against his practice dummy.
We pushed away the corn and beheld the sight of Ethan, the mighty, soon to be knight. At least that was what he had dreamed about since he was young.
We watched as he took massive swings at the dummy, barely doing any damage to it with his splintering, wooden sword. I started walking up behind him to tap him on his rusty, armored, shoulder and tell him that he was being called by the beautiful Princess Sally and that surely he would be knighted if he saved her, when his sword swung back, hitting me square between the eyes and knocking me down to the ground.
Part 12
It was a good thing that it wasn't a real sword otherwise that blow would have taken my head clean off. Fortunately it only knocked me out cold for a few hours. But that was three hours that could have been used in the search for the super dooper top secret fortress.
~
(In the super dooper top secret fortress)
"Mwahahaha I finally have you Sally. You will be mine forever and no one is going to stop me. I shall be king and my first decree will be to kill all of the lower city, including your little friend. What was his name again? Poop or Plop or something like that. What does it matter to me though as he shall soon be dead along with all of his other peasant friends." yelled Sir Bazza as he finished off tying the knots in the rope that was securing Sally to the chair.
"You can't do this Barry. Pop will save me, you'll see." replied Sally as she desperately struggled trying to get out of her captors well tied knot.
"Oh we'll see my lovely bride. We'll see."
~
(Back at the corn fields)
"Come on Ethan, you will be knighted if you save her. Pretty please!"
"I dunno Pip, this Bazza guy sounds pretty tough."
"Come on Ethan. If you help save Sally then when we are married I can see if she has any cousins." I replied, hoping that this argument will finally convince Ethan to come.
"Oh fine but I want to be your right hand man."
"Deal."
Part 13
We all headed off back towards town to find the last member of our fateful crew. Tim the dish cleaner. Oh and when I said dish cleaner I didn't mean that he washes them and stuff. I meant that he cleans them up. As well as the flagons of beer.
So we headed off towards the pub, knowing that Tim would be on the curb somewhere.
It didn't take long to find Tim. He was lying in the gutter with an awful stench arising from him. I grabbed a bucket, ran to the well to fill it up and splashed Tim, waking him instantly from his slumber.
Tim let out an ear piercing scream as he awoke before he fell back into his slumber.
I just stared at him. He's not gonna be any good at all I thought.
"Are you a fairy?" came the soft voice of Tim as he slept, dreaming in the gutter.
Oh well, I thought. He can do something.
I picked him up and threw him over my shoulder before motioning to Nick and Ethan to follow tripping over my own feet as I did, face planting into the cobblestone road. I groaned and then felt another sudden jolt of pain as Tim landed on top of me.
"Oh, hi Pip. Hows it going?" asked Tim as he finally roused from his sleep.
I just groaned again.
Part 14
"He's doing something. I can tell!" said the guard, standing at the entrance of the door staring into the dark corner of the room.
"What exactly was he doing?" replied the queen, tapping her fingers on the side of her armchair.
"He had some people following him around as he walked around the city. I think he must be forming a group to help him search for the secret fortress."
"Maybe. Guard! Get me my phone. I need to alert Sir Barry of this immediately."
"Umm sorry your highness but we can't get you your phone." replied the guard, looking down at the floor and not meeting the queen's evil gaze.
"And why is that?!?" said Queen Davette in a sharp, shrill voice.
"Umm well you see, ever since you threw out King Doúf's iPod he has been playing Angry Birds on your phone."
"Hmm well I see. I know I should never have bought him that silly thing for Christmas. Oh well he won't be around much longer to bother me. And soon I can rule the kingdom through Barry. Just send him a dove."
"Yes your highness." the guard bowed and left the room.
~
So there I was, walking in the direction that I hoped the super dooper secret fortress that Sir Barry was holding Princess Sally in, with a man who doesn't speak and just stares, a man who wants to be knighted one day but still carries a wooden sword and wears rusty armour, and a drunk when all of a sudden a flaming arrow thuds at my feet...
Part 15
I looked up to see an arrow immediately go through Nick's chest. I instinctively jumped and lay on the ground. Ow! I landed on a rock.
Nick fell to the ground and Tim fell straight after. Arrows hit Ethan's rusty armour and bounced off of it, ricocheting into the ground, lighting the plants and the grass that surrounded us.
There was a massive explosion at the fire reached Tim's supply of liquor hidden in his jacket. I tried to crawl away but my shirt was stuck on the rock that I landed on. Flaming arrows fell all around me, fortunately all missing me.
My shirt ripped as I struggled to get free from this burning death trap and I crawled away from the burning plains. I stared up at the horizon and all I could see was fire. Looks like I wouldn't be going that way now.
I turned around still on my hands and knees. I would like to have time to mourn for my fallen comrades but I have a princess to save. I princess who I'm going to marry.
I got up and started walking in the opposite direction, hoping that this way will get me to Bazza's fortress.
~
After many long hours of walking I came upon a massive black fort. This must be it. It's big and evil looking. The perfect place to hold a kidnapped princess.
I looked around for guards and couldn't see any so I walked straight up to the front steps and walked up them until I got to the door. I looked around one last time before opening the door and entering Barry's evil castle.
The castle was nothing like I had expected. I thought it would have been full of all dark and evil stuff but it wasn't. In fact it was the complete opposite. There were so many white things in there that they made the black walls look out of place! White rugs, stuffed animals, furniture, books, suits of armour, computers, tv's. Anything you can think of it was there and it was white.
I started walking up the stairs because I figured that generally the evil guy keeps the princess in the highest tower and the tallest room so up I went. The footsteps creaked as I walked up but no one heard so I kept on walking... well at least I didn't think that anyone heard.
The door creaked as I opened it and I instantly saw Sally tied to a chair. I ran towards her and untied her.
"Oh Pulp! Thank you so much. You're my hero!!!" squealed Sally as she embraced him.
"Oh it's no problem at all. Umm Sally I have a question to ask you."
"Yeah anything at all." she replied.
"Sally... *I get down on one knee*. Will you marry me?"
Part 16
"...............................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................
...................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................
...................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................
..................... Uhhh... Yeah sure."
"Woah. I didn't expect you to actually say yes... I'm going to marry a princess. I didn't think I would be in this situation last week." I replied, shocked at Sally's accepting his proposal.
"But wait Papa. We still have to deal with Barry."
"Oh. Ok yeah lets go deal with him. Then lets get married!... Woah this is the best day of my life. Nothing can happen to make me sad at all today, or tomorrow, or ever as long as I have you standing by my side, Sally.
I walked out the creaky door, holding the love of my life's hand in my own. We headed down the stairs and into the massive white entrance room.
I was so happy. So happy that I don't think I could ever be sad again. No more living in the street for me. And best of all I have a loving wife... who doesn't know what my name actually is but she loves me and thats all that matters.
We both walked out the front door... or at least we tried to. The door was locked.
"Oh sorry. Is the door locked. Let me open it for you."
We turned around to see Barry standing there, a massive grin on his face.
"Prepare to die Poop!"
Part 17
In the early hours of the morning:
The Queen sees that the King is fast asleep. She realises that this is her opportunity. Quickly she pounces out of her bed to get her knife. The considerable large 13 inch blade glistens under the rising sun. As she approaches slowly towards the king still in deep sleep, she hears him grumbling about his lack of iPod apps. She draws the blade and with a few strong slashes the job is done.
The King’s beard is no more!
“Hhmmmm…whilst I’m at it, maybe I should kill the King” the queen ponders.
So with a heave and a hoe and a great big throw she threw him out the window, the second story window. Now how was she going to get an alibi to prove her innocence? With much thought she decided to tell anyone who asked that she was sleeping. Yes, sleeping sounds good, she thought.
To make sure no one ever figured out the murder she did the only thing that could verify her alibi. She posted the following: “dear friends, I'm currently sleeping and have been all night, I by no means have made this post to cover my murder of the King oh umm how do you erase that mistake?”
“If only some type of back spacing tool was invented then no one would ever know.”
Fortunately the cunning queen threw her computer out the window, hiding all the evidence.
Part 18
BACK to the action of Barry and Pip:
“Die? Well I don’t want to die so I won’t prepare to die.” I quickly remarked. I was not to die as Sally needed me to be her King.
“Haha well now we have a problem then don’t we? I challenge you to a spin off!” Barry superiorly said. Barry was the master of spin offs, which are essentially 50 continuous spins then a straight walk for 15 metres.
I had no chance of beating Barry. He knew that. I knew that. But I gave it a shot.
1 rotation became 5 rotations that became 10 rotations. Unfortunately by this stage Barry had completed his rotations only to begin his walk. What Barry hadn’t realised was that he was wearing his armour which shook him wildly side to side.
“Arghhhhh!” was the desperate shout of Barry as he wobbled into a recently discovered lake. I was unsure whether that was the end of Baz or not, but I didn’t care. I found Sally shocked at what had just taken place. She was just amazed by my clear heroism and my cunningness.
As we began our journey home our eyes met briefly showing our love was true. But as we left I couldn’t helped but notice her that smile was slightly unnerving.
Part 19
I was nearly back at the castle after my venture that had required all my daring and courage. I was victorious. I had captured my beloved Sally from the grasp of Sir Barry. Although our love was strong she had taken her own personal limo back to the castle leaving me with a lonely walk back. But I didn’t care because our love was perfect and we loved each other dearly.
*Turn left in 32 steps. Jump up 4 times. Follow Marshes freeway til the castle of Azaria.*
“Damn GPS! Pointless mess of junk! What’s a freeway? I knew that I should have used Google maps.”
Discouraged I was not though. I would not follow the GPS but use my own intuition. I stumbled around for hours tripping constantly in what appeared to be cow dung. However it was chocolate cake, so no complaints there.
After a quick stop at Wal-Mart to pose as someone who owned money and could buy quality goods, I journeyed on.
Terribly lost I wished I would come across anyone even Barry. Ironically as it seemed, Barry appeared from the shadows on his horse. I quickly hid behind a rock as he passed and realised this was my chance to get home. I knew he wanted to get to the castle to meet the princess. Luckily his horse trode in some of my well… business you may say. Now I could follow the scent back to the castle.
Part 20
Finally I was in sight of the castle. I ran hard towards it; covered in a mixture of mud and other brown substances.
“The princess’ eyes and mine would finally meet once again. We would be together forever. I would be the king and she my queen.”
Knowing now that in future I would be King after King Doúf, I triumphantly did the worm towards the kingdom.
As I approached the gates of the castle I saw the Pink Knight. He was planted in front of the gates menacingly. He challenged me to a battle as he refused to let me pass unless I fought. I had no sword. This wasn’t fair.
“Mr. Knight could I borrow your sword as I do not have one?” I earnestly inquired.
“Well I suppose that’s fair enough. Wouldn’t be fair if I had my sword and you didn’t have one.” He had clearly thought this through very logically.
I wasn’t much of a fighter so I threw his sword in the moat and walked by as he dove in to recover it.
But what was this? Everyone was weeping and wearing the traditional beige clothing associated with a death. Anyone I approached fled (maybe it was the smell…) but I discovered that the giant signs on the wall telling of the King’s death meant something.
*a brief 30 minutes pass*
OOHHH! I know now. The king is dead.
“That’s terrible’ although I can be King now, when I tell the Queen of mine and Sally’s unconditional love for one another.”
I must find the grand hall to tell Davette the news.
Part 21
Eventually I found the grand hall, flinging open the doors to reveal the Queen perched on her new throne looking quite happy with herself. Barry had returned assuring her that Sally would accept his wedding request if he was the only living male left on the planet.
“Hi, how’s it going Davette?” I asked as casually as I could.
“WHAT! YOU! How did you get here?” said the Queen as she flung herself down from her perch to confront me.
“Don’t you remember? I'm going to be the new King.” I continued in my best radio voice, in an attempt to lighten the mood since she clearly forgot.
“Never will you be King whilst I'm still Queen!”
“Then unfortunately I’ll have to stand here and ask nicely again and again and quite possibly again.”
I saw in the Queen’s unamused face a look of deep thought. I knew that I had her between a boot and animal droppings. Finally she opened her mouth to declare me King.
“Pup or whatever your name is, I don’t really care. I propose that you compete in a challenge against Sir Barry to win the kingdom and my daughter’s hand in marriage.”
I had beaten Sir Barry once so I figured I could beat him once again and so I accepted immediately. This was too easy!
Sir Barry and Princess Sally were both summoned to await the announcement of what the challenge would be.
Part 22
“Attention all you in the court”, the Queen announced.
“There is only 3 people here, just get this over and done with already.” From the Princess’ words I could tell she was impatient for my imminent victory.
Ignoring the Princess’ comment the Davette continues “We have Barry and the other here to contest for my daughter’s hand and thus the Kingdom. I have chosen a challenge that equally suits both challengers. The aim of the challenge is to walk around without falling over.”
This can’t be happening. The Queen had discovered my only weakness. My uncanny ability to fall over. Well, I had to give it a shot for Sally.
“Begin NOW!” and now the contest was on.
I started nervously stumbling and tumbling around the place while Barry seemed to manage this fine. He was sooo fine that he was actually walking on his treadmill. How can I win this?
As the battle continued very little happened. So little happened that Sally left to go in her Jacuzzi. But I'm sure she is just relaxing and freshening up for our wedding that will shortly follow. She knows I’ll win, so why even watch? She is so smart.
“ACHOO!” Barry had just sneezed. This was a big moment in the challenge he was showing weakness. Perhaps if I wait long enough he’ll develop a severe cold and fall over. With this new confidence I stood and walked near perfectly. The stumbles had left me.
Part 23
Many Hours into the Challenge:
“Excuse me. I'm from the national tax collectors and I need to see a Queen Davette about her unpaid taxes.”
“That’s me but I can only pay by credit card.”
(sigh) “Fine then. Now that’ll come to 26 gold sovereigns. Wait sorry that’s for a princess. Your total is 154 sovereigns.”
I could see that the queen was deeply distressed by such a tax. She looked troubled yet suddenly her face transformed into a sinister smile that sent a shiver down my spine.
“Ohhh you haven’t heard yet? I was a Queen but my husband died and Sir Barry is to wed my daughter; becoming King. So now I am a princess and definitely not a Queen”, she recited as though she had practiced a similar speech before.
“My sincere apologies then. That will only be 26 sovereigns.”
As the former Queen graciously swiped her credit card, I was struck with an idea. Momentarily I blacked out as I was overwhelmed by such a good idea. If the Queen was no longer a Queen then clearly she had to make me king or at least give the princess a choice between Barry and myself.
The queen was left speechless after my explanation and she had no option but to summon Sally and give her a choice rather than continue this pointless challenge.
This choice which obviously would be me would change my life forever. Well, I'm pretty sure it’s me…
Part 24
As Princess Sally entered graciously lightly stepping upon the floor as she glided towards me. She looked at me then at Barry. Weighing her options up. Then she opened he sweet mouth.
“I’ll take that one I suppose” as she casually pointed towards me. It was final, she loved me and I loved her. We were inseparable now. The Queen unfortunately took the news a bit badly and so did the only sane thing to relieve her stress. She called for 101 puppies to be sent to her and she hysterically cackled as she slowly one by one drowned the poor puppies.
After this ghastly episode, Davette herself had Sally and I wedded. Unlike me, Sally managed to hold back her tears of enjoyment although she did look happy. To be honest she looked ecstatic and told me how she loved me and how I was so brave.
“It is done! Finally done. I can’t believe it”, my sweet love expressed.
“Yes, now we can be together forever and rule the kingdom”, I added.
“I’m so happy I met you. King Pop has a nice ring to it.”
“Call me whatever you want. Pop, Pup, Pip it doesn’t really matter anymore. We’re together now which is all that matters!”
Under Sally’s command I stripped Barry of his Knightness and exiled him to a little known place called California. After the exhausting day Sally and I departed to our rooms to sleep.
How can life get any better?
Part 25
I went to sleep, in the largest bed I have ever seen, the happiest I have ever been. I found the love of my life, have now married her, and I am the king of the kingdom that has treated me like dirt for my entire life.
If this isn’t fair, I don’t know what is.
I woke up, the next morning, not where I expected to be. My happy Queen was not lying next to me, and I definitely wasn’t in a royal bed. I was on hard, rough, cold points; steps! I jumped to my feet, and tried to make sense of why I had been thrown out of the palace to sleep on the back steps. I could just see my old shack over the castle walls, I sure was glad I would never have to go back there.
And there was a note, on the ground next to me! I knelt down to pick it up, and instantly recognised my sweethearts script. Of course, she would have the answer.
The note read:
“Pip. I never loved you. I only paid you any notice at all so that I could use you to get the throne for myself and rid the world of Sir Barry. In truth, you are the last person I would ever consider; you are dirty, smelly, boring, ugly, disgusting and you have terrible taste in music. If you ever step foot on the palace grounds again, you will be taken away and hanged. –Her Royal Majesty, Queen Sally of Amazariah”
Woeful really is the word for me isn’t it? Woeful.
The End (By Tim, Ethan and Bryce)
